Dear men in “recovery”,
Listen closely. Your motivation has to come from inside YOU. A deep, sickened, repulsion towards whatever it is you’ve done/are doing to break the marriage covenant.
There will NEVER be the perfect men’s group, the perfect counselor, the perfect job, the perfect wife/kids, the perfect anything that will fix you.
Only YOU can fix YOU.
Stop looking at external factors and start looking at YOU. Stop going to so-so therapists and find one who actually has experience and certification in recovery and trauma. Stop focusing on your wife. She’s not the problem, dude.
The motivation of a man in true recovery is not to save the marriage, to save his reputation, to save his kids, to save his title, etc. You already lost that when you chose to break your covenant. You make amends not to win others over, but to align your soul with the heart of God.
To truly be well, you must let it all go. You screwed up. Now you have to own it, then run like hell AWAY from any and all things that lead you to covenant breaking and run TO the heart of God.
This means it’s time to get real. Full exposure. To be fully known. All the filth, all the lies, all of it.
Only then, will you be delivered and set free.
Yes, that means you might lose everything, but you will live in freedom and discover your full potential. You’ll become a safe man again. No more hiding. No more shame. No more pre-occupation. Your mind & heart will be FREE. No one can put a price tag on freedom.
Quit focusing on checking all the “recovery boxes” just so you can prove you’re a changed man.
Trust me, women see through your charade. Oh, maybe not at first, but one can white-knuckle recovery for only so long. You cannot fool her forever.
Get honest with yourself first. Do you want to be well? No, really? Like…are you ALL IN? Do you understand the work it will take to be a man in TRUE recovery? If you have any hesitation, you’re not ready. Stop wasting her time. Stop wasting your time. She’s not into playing your games, and she deserves the truth.
I hate to break it to ya, but confession means nothing. Your tears mean nothing. Repentance, though..,repentance is when you put ACTION behind your confession. That action happens over the course of not just days, not weeks, not months, but YEARS of action. Yes, YEARS.
So...Jim’s best advice to any man who wants to be well? Stop focusing on the “we”, “her”, “they/them”, and look at one heart only: yours. Then cling to any and all resources that facilitate healing.
My advice? Your wife has ZERO capacity to offer you what you need/want after betrayal. What she does have is anger, grief, hate, confusion, self-hate. She has her own recovery journey to embark upon, but this isn’t done WITH you, it’s done BECAUSE of you. Stop seeking what you need from her. You must address your worthlessness, hopelessness, and helplessness on your own. Reach the pain beneath the abusive choices you’ve made, press IN to it, get help, and discover what kind of man you are when you are whole.
Speaking the truth in LOVE, Misty