Updated: Jan 29, 2021
Have you ever been in such a dark place that you can't stand being around your own self? Since D-Day (disclosure day), I have weaved out of many seasons where I literally couldn't stand being in the same room with myself. I felt like I was in such a funk. I was moody, negative, cynical, depressed, unkept...a total opposite version of the woman I know am and know I want to be. I was having "one of those days" in recovery. I was very unmotivated. My bed wasn't made and I was wearing the same sweats I had worn the day before. Recovery is such an odd thing. One day (or hour!) you can be completely fine and then BAM! Something triggers, and like a switch you go from hotness to hot mess. I often wonder, "How have I been a mom these past 3 years?" How can I barely manage myself and yet still be in charge of 2 little people who need me, and do it well? Have I stayed engaged? Have they seen me smile at them and still have a genuine laugh? As I was contemplating this question, struggling with thoughts of, "I'm a failure", my 9 year old son came up behind me and says, "I built you, mom!" He created a miniature lego verson of myself, complete with my favorite Canon camera, a cup of coffee, and surrounded by nature. It is truly my most favorite. thing. ever! It was so encouraging for me to see how he views me. I didn't look old. I didn't look depressed. I wasn't holding a bottle of wine. (HA!) Somehow, my kid still see's the woman I am deep inside that is just waiting to come back. I haven't totally lost her in recovery, and that gives me hope. Our kids don't need us to show off our best versions of ourselves. They just need us to show up. There are days I feel myself having to work hard at staying present with them. My kids notice, and I typically respond with, "I feel sad today, but I also feel super thankful to be your mom." Honesty always wins. We don't need to lie to our kids in the effort to protect them. They know. Be real but be wise. They don't need to know details of our recovery, and most of the time they can accept words like, "I'm struggling today. It's adult stuff so you'll have to just trust that you have some growing to do before I can tell you more, but I'm working it out and believe better days are coming." This gives them honesty and security at the same time.